I've tried going back to Daily Mass and keeping faith that God is healing my broken and mutilated body every day, and trying to believe that God will heal me suddenly when I receive the Eucharist, or on the journey to work afterward, or when I wake up the next morning...
My motivation to attend Mass is to spend time with God, deepen my relationship with God, and to be healed. (To elaborate on that last point: Physicians have said there's nothing they can do, the Church has said there's nothing God can't do, and God has indicated in the Bible that He wants to heal us and that we should ask and believe and He will.)
Even so, I experience many problems at Daily Mass:
* I have trouble following the liturgy (they pray from the Japanese Breviary as part of the penitential rite and elsewhere during the Mass)
* Not understanding most of everything that is said or prayed (it's in Japanese)
* Not benefiting from the priest's homily (he usually only explains basic doctrine I learned years ago, or else shares an anecdote whose point is something very basic like "feed the hungry")
* DISAPPOINTMENT AT NOT BEING HEALED OF ONE PHYSICAL PROBLEM
* DISAPPOINTMENT AT NOT BEING HEALED OF ANOTHER PHYSICAL PROBLEM
* NOT PERCEIVING ANY MESSAGE FROM GOD other than the Bible passages read, from most of which I have trouble gleaning new information
* NOT PERCEIVING OR EXPERIENCING GOD apart from my fixation on the Eucharist or the Tabernacle and trying to convince myself that Jesus is there
* frustration with the poor quality of music -- congregation a cappella, off key, off rhythm (I want to play their organ to improve it, but lack both physical ability and skill)
* mental distractions (unable to concentrate, thoughts flittering about as if falling asleep, or thinking bad thoughts)
* not receiving any guidance in response to my prayers and trying to listen to the Holy Spirit
I could bear these quite well, I think, and even joyfully, except for the lack of communication and lack of healing -- i.e., the lack of relationship with God. (TO ME, A RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT UPON TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION AND GIVING. IS THIS WRONG?) I am learning so many things on this journey (as I struggle to understand why and wait to be healed), but the pain makes it seem not worth it.
So then on the 11 minute return trip in inclement weather on my bicycle, I become angry and easily irritated (e.g. pedestrians not respecting sidewalk demarcations, other bicyclists not caring for their surroundings, people directing traffic for school children doing their job inefficiently or needlessly blowing deafening whistles, breathing in car pollution), and I wonder if I'm better off not going to Mass in the first place -- 45 minutes and I seem to get nothing out of it but suffering to pray and hope God works with, and near occasions of sin (to lose my temper). (BUT HOW IS MY SUFFERING USED TO HELP SOMEONE OUTSIDE MY DIRECT INFLUENCE?)
Again, looking at this situation, it would appear that either God is not there, or that God wants me to follow some other faith (Judaism, Mohammedanism). I must then remind myself of all the reasons to be Christian, which seem to me not that strong, but barely strong enough to continue one more day. Perhaps putting it another way, God continues pushing me to the breaking point, and part of me wants to break just to spite Him for not helping me more.
In summary, I've tried again going to Daily Mass, to be healed, to spend time with God, and to deepen my relationship with Him, and I receive the Eucharist but am not healed and my 45 minutes seem wasted not spending quality time with God, and I become angry, perhaps an expression of bitter disappointment. The Protestant thought occurs to me that I can deepen my relationship with God through the Bible, books, and prayers like the Rosary -- no need for Daily Mass for that, and that I should quit going so as to spare myself the suffering and near occasions of sin (to avoid losing my temper).
It was suggested to me by someone here that I must change my mentality. He did not specify in what way, and I don't know how to see life any differently. I'm reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom hoping this will help. However, I think part of my problems is nerves, neurosis, for which a psychiatrist here has only recommended a sedative, which may have side-effects (in addition to expected drowsiness) and which may take months to get adjusted to, in addition to being another financial burden I really can't afford. Perhaps this serves to strengthen my argument that God really could be helping me more than He is. As I said to a priest two years ago, it's like I'm asking a billionaire for chump change.
DO YOU AGREE WITH THAT PRIEST WHO TOLD ME SEVERAL YEARS AGO THAT "GOD ISN'T GOING TO TALK TO YOU; EVERYTHING HE HAS TO SAY FOR YOU IS IN THE BIBLE"? More generally: WHAT SHOULD I DO? AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG OR IS THERE SOMETHING I COULD DO BETTER? WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?
Reference: pagan-space.blogspot.com
