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This issue: Mike expresses his opinions about his favorite music album.
... Think about Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon for a moment. To start with, we have a smart black cover with a rainbow coming out of an almost transparent prism. Such soothing imagery.
And then the music. We have instrumentals, a vocal solo, incredible sound effects, a sometimes heard conversation going on in the background, whiz- bang technical effects, all wrapped up in a musical commentary about death, the meaning of life, isolation, madness, capitalism, war, religion and the military. Each song is rhythmic, and this rhythm can by wholly appreciated even by the everyday layman. Although, personal experience tells me at least
2 or 3 good sized joints of KGB is needed to get the full effect of the music. And those can't be no little "California Slurp" joints, either. I mean fully packed bombers laden with resin-rich buds from plants that have been under the earth for a few months (or years). You smoke three of these.
You can't move, you can't talk, and your mind just shifts into over-drive.
And that's when Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and its rich stew of tunes is at its best.
What else are you going to listen to?:
o Polka? No, polkas only conjure up images of fat, drunk, old German men in shorts stomping drunkly along to music that sounds like it's written to compliment the scores of farts (mostly comprised of beer, sauerkraut and polish sausage and have been known to stun small children) that are constantly being released.
o Rap? Uh-uh. You hear a single line from a rap song and your mind will bounce back to your car battery. Remember it? The 3000 cranking amp battery that cost you three paychecks? And remember how it was in your car when you walked into "Frank's House of Chicken 'n Ribs" and how it wasn't in your car when you walked out? Yes, you remember. Well, rap will give you that same poisoned hate you felt for everyone after you found that one of them had
"sto't yo batt'ry".
o Heavy Metal? Nooooo you won't. The second you hear the heavy metal artist's contribution to the store of musical wisdom you'll instantly realize one of two things:
1) This music that sounds like a bulldozer hitting a pile of bridge supports after having been dropped from the top of the Empire State Building is in fact being sung by a man who is possibly wearing women's clothing.
- or -
2) I'm very stoned. Too stoned, in fact, to want to listen to music written for people who amp 21 days straight. Put the Floyd CD back on.
o Classical: Be serious! This stuff was written by people who were either totally insane or totally boring. It sounds like music written to combat insomnia. Three strands of this stuff and you're out. Period. You'll go comatose and your friend'll have to call up someone to score a dime of crank to wake your ass back up again. Nope, avoid classical at all costs.
o Show Tunes? Shirley, you jest! Show Tunes are the Devil's contribution to music. One stanza of Oklahoma and into your mind snaps the image of some fading alcoholic actress who quit drinking five minutes before her first number going onstage and belting out an ode to a state that is best known for nothing. Nope, avoid these at all costs too.
o ELO? Hell no! All that stuff was done in the 70's. When you hear it, you think abou how you used to be in the 70's. And then you think how young you were in the 70's. And then you think how old you are now. And how much closer to death you are. And then your whole damn trip turns into a nightmare reflection upon your own mortality.
So, as you can plainly see, Pink Floyd's" Side of the "is the
perfect musical companion for any trip of the head. Enjoy!
... And now a message from the Pope.
Hello, this is the Pope and I would like to talk to all you young men about a delicate subject -- self abuse. That's right boys, I wanna talk to you about jacking off. Cut the shit, boys. You give your willie a whack and you're going straight to Hell. The Devil's got a special level for boys who can't keep their hands busy. Just ask any of these famous world leaders:
Adolf Hitler: A bit of self abuse helped me get through the Invasion of
Poland.
H. Hirohito: A quick one off the wrist made me forget all about Hiroshima.
N. Bonapart: I liked to have a quickie while crossing the Alps.
O. North: I used to flog my dolphin while shredding documents.
R. Reagan: Well, I used to like it before I forgot how.
Senator J. Tower: [RETCH!] Bllaaaaaap! Peeeewwwwwkk! [*HEAVE!*] Huka-
huka-huka-huka PEEEEEEWWWWWWWKK!
D. Qualie: Why do you think I joined the National Guard?
G. Bush: I like to pound my potato before every cabinet meeting.
M. Gorbachov: I like to do it while reading Das Capitals.
K. Marx: 'ere! That's revolting!
As you can see boys, self abuse is the easiest way into the geopolitical realm. But it's also a quick ticket to Hell. Remember: Think once, think twice, think "I'm goin' to Hell if I caress my carrot". The soul you save may be your own! And if you're having those kinds of feelings, talk to your preacher. He's a pedarast... ooops! Pedagog.
Now I must go, I have important work to do. (Hey, will one of you
Cardinals hand me that copy of Penthouse? Thanks...)
Sincerely,
The Pope
Not associated with the Mafia.
Well, not a lot, really. Some.
A bit. More than a bit
honestly, but not much more!
Maybe. Well, to be honest,
a lot, actually. Wholly
associated, he is.
Credit: modern-wiccan.blogspot.com
